In the 1990s American clinical research psychologist Elaine Aron launched a book, The Highly Sensitive Person. In it I discovered myself.
Growing up I was constantly told that I was “too sensitive.” My mother marveled at the way I played alone and seemed content. What she didn’t know was that time alone each day then as now is essential to me as food and water. My mother wasn’t someone who raised her voice but I can’t say the same for my teachers. In school noise and confusion quickly overwhelmed me.
Even now, if a rider in my car slams the door, I cringe at their brusqueness. And if someone is in close proximity I expect their voice to lower in pitch, if it stays at full volume, my heart starts racing in a wild rhythm. I also can’t tolerate negativity, people who talk about problems, and gossip about others. It wears me out. I don’t like crowds and can only handle them in a refined atmosphere such as a classical concert because soon the music will start and I will be soothed. It’s why I could never be in a sports bar. It would make me ill.
Most of us feel overstimulated every once in a while, but for the Highly Sensitive Person, (HSP) it's a way of life. We all want to be sensitive to other people. Sensitivity greases the wheels of relationships as you empathize with what others are feeling because you’ve felt similarly yourself. Compassion makes you hurt for people’s suffering.
And should an HSP hurt another it feels like a boomerang, instead of being able to
disregard the hurt, you accept that you created it and feel deeply responsible and will take action.
One thing I have learned is that not everyone gets hurt as easily as I do because it has never occurred to me that people didn’t feel as deeply as I did.
People have lots of ways of coping with disappointment. Some think, “Oh, well, next time will be my turn.” These people don’t feel hurt because they reframe the situation. Others may feel a pinch of hurt but brush it off because they don’t want to stew in feeling rejected or abandoned. They recognize the sting of it but don’t dwell on it.
Those who label an HSP as “too sensitive” never acknowledge their humanity. Unlike them, you can courageously face the terminally ill, death and dying, and the downtrodden without feeling that you’ve lost anything but that you’ve shared with them some of your light.
While only 15% of the population is highly sensitive, many others are not. But one thing is
for sure, HSPs have common traits; a complex inner life, vivid dreams, an imagination, a great appreciation of beauty, sensitivity to light, to language, bored by small talk, enabled by psychic powers, prone to insomnia, and nervousness that lies beneath the surface, because of trying to maintain decorum and poise.
There is no universal sensitivity standard. Instead, it runs the gamut from highly sensitive to highly insensitive striving for somewhere in the middle.
Don’t make assumptions about anyone’s sensitivity. Instead, practice managing your sensitivity levels effectively and be empowered by being true to your nature to create a richer fuller life.