On Your Side

We all know givers and takers.

Takers have a distinctive signature: they like to get more than they give. They tilt reciprocity in their favor, putting their own interests ahead of others’ needs.  Takers believe that the world is a competitive, dog-eat-dog place. They feel that to succeed, they need to be better than others. To prove their competence, they self-promote and make sure they get plenty of credit for their efforts. Takers aren’t necessarily cruel or cutthroat; they’re just cautious and self-protective and often stingy.  They also help others strategically, not from their heart but from their mind, when the benefits outweigh the personal costs. Their motto is: “If I don’t look out for myself first, no one will.”

Givers use a different cost-benefit analysis: they help whenever the benefits to others exceed the personal costs. Alternatively, they might not think about the personal costs at all, helping others without expecting anything in return. They give for fun and for free.  If you’re a natural giver, you simply strive to be generous in sharing your time, energy, knowledge, skills, ideas, money, and connections with other people who can benefit from them. Unfortunately, the giver has a hard time saying no, not because they’re a pushover but because they enjoy giving. It puts them in a leadership role. They get taken advantage of; often they know it, and they fear it, because others will want to suck them dry.

There’s a third style, Matchers, who strive to preserve an equal balance of giving and getting. Matchers operate on the principle of fairness: when they help others, they protect themselves by seeking reciprocity. If you’re a matcher, you believe in tit for tat, and your relationships are governed by even exchanges of favors.  So in a way, matchers operate from logic and by math principles.  

Giving, taking, and matching are three fundamental styles of social interaction, but the lines between them aren’t hard and fast. You might find that you shift from one reciprocity style to another as you travel across different relationships.

It wouldn’t be surprising if you act like a taker when negotiating a pay increase, a giver when loving your partner or parenting, and a matcher when sharing an experience with a friend. 

We tend to develop a primary reciprocity style, which captures how we approach people most of the time. Your primary style can play a huge role in your life success, with work, utilizing your talents, and ultimately the ability to say no, be independent and to let go long enough to foster healthy relationships.

I'm open to hearing your comments. Here not in a text. Thank you to my friends (Givers) who inspired this post, based on a recent experience.